Self-Awareness and Making Amends
Not that busy a day here, nor weekend for that matter. I got to see Saved! which I eill be reviewing for my class on Friday. It was very good and I'd really recommend it to anyone frustrated by the right-wing's use of religion as a weapon. I also did a lot of walking and thinking, about life, my current situation, a lot of things.
I know that I've had a relatively easy life, and that the "hardships" I've endured have not been anything too demanding or troubling. I've only lost one grandparent, and that loss has been made easier because of the way my grandfather lived his life, he lived a happy one, surrounded by friends and family. I know that I am not not loved in the same way my grandfather was. I know that in many ways, I'm not a terribly lovable person. I am almost painfully introverted in most social situations, enough so that if I'm in a large group of people I don't know, I either shut dowm, go into a mild panic attack or immediately retreat to be on my own. I've even done that, in high school mind you, with groups of people I knew well. I know that I can be painfully slow on the uptake when it comes to the normal social rules of society. I know I can be scatter brained and difficult to deal with or get a handle on. I know that I shrink from any confrontation like a mouse, because I have this irrational fear of confrontation. I don't look out for my own needs at all, because, very often, I don't even know what they are. I just want to believe that for some people, my being in their life has had a positive effect, that my thoughts, feelings and actions have left their mark on the people I love with all of my heart, my friends and family. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about what I'm writing, this is not a suicide note or anything like that. I know that I have been Incredibly self-absorbed over these past few months since the breakup, and I just want to apologize to everyone. I have had to confront a lot of things, some of which I still don't understand or haven't made peace with. That being said...

To Laura, Susan, Amber, Andy, Steph, Audrey, Karen Green, Alison, Amy, Nick, etc.,

I'm sorry about being so wrapped up in myself the last few months. I care about all of you a great deal, and I'm sorry if my inability to deal with my own situation frustrated you or made you think less of me. You are all incredible people, not just for who you are and the friends you are, but because of your compassion, your grace, your belief in me and everyone around you. I can never thank you enough for all you've done to help me in this time.

To John,

I'm sorry about the clearly untenable situation I've put you in so often lately. I know that I've been too needy, too clinging, because, well, you've had to be my confidant when you didn't want to be. I'm sorry about asking so often, about not being a real friend when you have a life too. Thank you so much for the way you have helped me through this time, and I'm sorry I didn't do this til now.

To my family,

I'm sorry about being so distant, about not working on the things I should have been because I've been too wrapped up in myself. Obviously its been difficult the last few months with everything, and my feeling sorry for myself has not helped anything. I will do my best to be a better son, brother, grandchild and whatever else from now on.

Most importantly,
To Karen Marie Steeno,
I'm sorry about the way I've treated you these last few months. I have been scared, frustrated and confused, emotions that have hurt my bid to recover and move on, so that we can try to be friends again. I have have fouled up time and time again and I've done you wrong, because you shouldn't be having to worry about me right now. I am doing my best to work on the things I was lacking, the maturity, the life skills, the self-awareness. Thank you for being the most wonderful person to ever be in my life, for changing my heart, for being good to me. You did what you felt you had to do, and I'm sorry if I've made you feel guilty about doing what was best for yourself. I hope that someday soon, we can have our friendship again, and that I will grow to be the man you thought I could be.


Thank you for sitting through that, the Butch Davis rant will come tomorrow, in case you really care.